Too Young

JACKIE, FOR THE first time in 33 years of living in this miserable, unexplainable world, was speechless. Gob smacked. There would be plenty to discuss but the words remained stuck inside of her mind, spinning in constant loops. An eternal never-ending circle, one that she couldn’t find a tiny crack in to express these feelings, to get the answers she yearned for, needed to hear. The backup of tears that were waiting to waterfall down her pale freckled cheeks began to fall. She could feel the warmth of each droplet, and as more tumbled, instinct cut harshly. Reality slicing her soul, she realized a part of her was gradually, forever slipping away. Across from Jackie, sat the doctor in his long, white medical attire. He plucked a tissue from the cardboard box on his desk, handing it to her. She accepted the offering grasping it in her clenched fist, she watched his lips move, through hazy vision. He was talking to her, although her ears did not register the verbiage. “DEATH, DEATH,” the one syllable word in her thoughts dazzling in the middle of the circle, proudly taking center stage, flashing at her like a pedestrian “WALK” sign. Acceptance wasn’t an option. She didn’t want to walk any closer, the seconds continued to dissipate, her body ached as it focused on the imminent loss. Jackie’s emerald eyes fixed to the badge of Dr. Walters, that hung from a lanyard around his over tanned wrinkled neck. He broke her away from the nightmare. Dr. Walters rose to stand, pushing his wheelie chair from underneath him, walking to the opposite side of the table to be beside Jackie. He took another tissue, resting it upon her lap, placing his hand with a light touch onto the crest of Jackie’s shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze.

“Sara, is waiting outside. Are you ready?” 

Jackie inhaled deeply, her nostrils quivered. Instantly she understood the true smell of this hospital. For all these ongoing months there had been the awesome aroma of a sea of blooming purple lavender. A field set in the heart of France on a bright summer’s day, a delicate breeze carried the heady scent with butterflies doing their happy dance amongst the flowers. Now it smelt of the ugly word “DEATH,” like a rubbish dumping site, with everything rancid, rotting, wasting away, fermenting with an unbelievable stench. Jackie, sick to her stomach. Uncontrollable muscle spasms wretched, activating her gag reflex, she convulsed, dry heaving.  Hope was no longer a thing that would ever be the same again, it should be eliminated. To break it down everybody always thinks hope is positive, people that need hope are optimistic, they don’t think about the other side of the potentially doomed word. Not so long-ago Jackie’s mind remained wildly enthusiastic, constantly blindsided by the dream, buzzing on the best potential outcome, she had not considered that what you truly want, need, are hoping for could not happen. “Hope, now eradicated from her vocabulary. Dr. Walters made the couple steps across the highly polished floor to open the door. Jackie covered her fist with her hoodies sleeve and used the back of her hand to wipe away evidence of any tears, sniffling and taking a rapid burst of shallow breaths as she did so. The moisture stained the fabric a darker shade of red. She would always remember this old sweater from now on, the clothes she wore on the day the news ruined her life.

In the corridor Sara patiently waited, sitting in a drab beige plastic chair, legs dangling. Grasped in her tiny hands laid an open book, the pages browned and crumpled at the edges, “The Indian in the Cupboard,” not a school requirement just a book Jackie had kept from when she was a child. She loved it so much and believed her daughter would too.  Sara picked up her self-made, flowery, glittery bookmark, and stuffed it between the pages. Sara being such a beautiful little girl, the light of Jackie’s life. Well mannered, never naughty, fun to be with and forever ready to try a new activity, the pair always together. Movies, home baking, make believe, puzzles you name it, continuous laughter and glorious memories they shared. Every day brought another adventure.  Sara was an only child. Jackie’s dreams had been for her to have a little baby brother or sister one day, but now this could never be. Eyes heavy Jackie bent down to a crouch with outstretched arms, immediately Sara leapt between them enjoying the cuddle, nestling in as Jackie encased her slight frame, pulling her closer, feeling their love. Two became one.

The journey home didn’t prove to be anything than the normal, uneventful. Quiet, with the radio playing background music.  Sara seemed happy, singing along to a few of the songs. Both of Jackie’s hands remained grasped to the steering wheel, knuckles white. Focus on driving, her inner voice annoyingly on repeat. She knew if she relaxed, she would cry again, but this time not be able to stop. No tears must be shed in front of Sara, not now, not ever. Jackie tried to think of her dad, always so brave, his really strong character with firm beliefs, controlled at all times. Never did he show any fear, and that is what she must do now. The car pulled into their street on Rue de la Plage, nothing appeared to of changed. The large oak trees that lined the road still dominated the cookie cutter homes. All the usual neighborhood kids were outside playing, they respectfully cleared the way to let Jackie’s silver Honda Accord through. Sara waved to one of the girls who was stood with one foot resting on her Razor scooter, eagerly waiting to get the game into play again. Not a perfect day, a little fresh. The sun was playing hide-and-seek with the huge puffy clouds, and the rare moments it decided to show its face, the rays warmed your skin. Slowly Jackie drove into the garage and the door creaked as it closed behind them. The noise of Max barking indoors resonated through the interior walls. A trait of his, like a trigger had just been pulled, wild but only because, he anticipated the lots of hugs that were coming his way. Giggles filled the cars atmosphere as the buckle clicked and Sara vaulted from the car, bounding to get inside their home.

Back amongst her familiar surroundings, on auto pilot, Jackie willed her body in the direction of the kitchen. Her glassy eyes stared up at the ceiling, expanding her lungs, trying to fill them to the brim with courage. She sat, slumping into the wooden, farmhouse chair at the table. Cell phone in hand her eyelids blinked hard, moisture seeped through her lashes before she fixated on the small screen, as she began to text.

“David, I am home from the hospital X “

Silent moments passed.  Read, OK he has seen it…. no reply. Her open palm slapped against the tables surface, as her molars ground down.

“David, say something.  Please, talk to me?”

Message read, Jackie continued to wait.

“Mum, Mum?” Sara shouted from upstairs. 

“Yes?”

“Jennifer is still outside, I’m going out, OK?”

“OK babe, please be careful and keep a look out for that brown car, it’s nearly 4 O’clock, and he usually comes home around this time.”

“I know, I’ve got this Mum.” The words rang pure with a tone of sarcasm. 

Jackie’s lips half smiled but trembled before reaching their full capacity of a happy gesture.

Sara playfully blew a kiss to her Mum as she disappeared around the corner. The front door slammed shut. A cold chill shot up Jackie’s spine. She reached up into the air and grabbed at something, the imaginary floating kiss. A simple thing that the two of them did when a kiss was blown, you always have to catch it and make a wish. Jackie caught it, hugging the token close to her chest, but today she didn’t make the wish, there was simply nothing left to yearn for. Quickly she scanned the previous texts and began to type again but stopped, hesitating, instead she dialed his office number. She appreciated this would be breaking the rules, but where could he be? The one person she needed now, and he was not here.  Maria, David’s secretary answered. Strange, this is his direct line.

“Maria, this is Jackie. Can I speak to David please?”

“Jackie, Good Afternoon, how are you? I am sorry but David is in a meeting. I can’t contact him, he’s with executives in the conference room and left strict instructions not to disturb him under any circumstances.”

Jackie muttered under her breath. “Of course, he is.”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing Maria, please let him know I called, remind him of today’s date.”

Jackie hung up, her fingers anxiously drumming hard, a constant beat on the wooden tabletop. Typical, damn typical of him, she checked her watch, he would be home in a couple of hours, she would have to wait. She raised her arms up and stretched, moving her head from right to left attempting to ease some tension in her neck. Stuck to the fridge door among many others, Sara’s latest drawing stood out. Brightly colored, a beach scene. Sara and Max playing together in the golden sand, a bucket, rake and spade lay near them, there was an obscure looking red crab too. A big, bold sun in the sky with a few seagulls flying high. Jackie was laying down with a blue and white striped one piece on, not a towel underneath her only lots of bright yellow sand. Then there’s dad, David, no swimsuit for him the only suit he wore was his work one, Sara had even given it the detail of a pinstripe. She loved her dad immensely with a pure heart, genuinely as any other seven-year-old child would, but she did say, write, and draw things as they appeared to be. Easily, Jackie could picture this scene to be true, not that it had ever happened and for the first time in a long time her inner voice smiled, contemplating how ironic this simple drawing to be.  Jackie loved the beach and had been waiting for the time a family vacation would become a reality. Sadly, that day never came. The closest she got to a beach each day was the name of her street, “Rue de la Plage,” meaning “Beach Street” in French. Rewind time to when David and Jackie moved there eight years prior, baby bump and all they chose that location on the new community because of the name. They joked together for now it would do, but one day it gave them hope to live by a real beach. Hope, the infuriating word again! Maybe her entire life accumulated around that word?  

Jackie didn’t leave the kitchen table, instead she sat quietly, listening to the silence.  Max by her feet sleeping, until the garage door opened.  Max did his ritual, and David in all his happy glory made an entrance. He walked up to his wife kissing her on top of her head, put down his briefcase, removed his jacket, nonchalantly placing it over the back of the chair.

“Good day, Hun?”

His back to Jackie.  David got two wine glasses from the cupboard and placed them on the granite’s surface, clinking as they landed. He pulled at the refrigerator’s door, opening it wide to get the crisp chardonnay, ready to pour them both a measure. Still, no eye contact with her, just going through what he did every day after he got home. Jackie knew he would next turn on the TV to the sports channel, take a seat on the cream leather sofa, feet up. Immerse himself, maybe basketball, football, soccer, baseball, whichever the season was then. Begin to holler, like he knows best, like he should be the coach to every team, while Jackie would start to prepare an evening meal for them. A wave of sickness flooded her whole body, pressure built behind her eyes, pulsating drums pounding at her head. Today’s events were forgotten, it all became clear, he hadn’t remembered about the day of the results, how could he? She took a huge gulp, both hands jittery in her lap as she fought back her emotions, the TV already on and as he was about to sit.

“David? What’s today?” She snapped.

“HUH?” He half looked up at her, taking his concentration away from choosing a channel momentarily.

Obvious to her now, she clearly saw he did not have a clue, his mind lost, succumbing to the lure of the television. Jackie got up, took the remote from his clutches and muted the noise, throwing the controller, it rebounded against the leather couch before hitting the floor. She stood in front of him, arms folded, staring into his eyes with annoyance, her lips pressed firmly together.  David studied her face, puzzled, then his jaw dropped, his complexion drained, his head turned away as he ran his hand into the depths of his brown wavy hair.  David, conscious he had seriously messed up this time, he felt the full force of a thousand-pound lead weight crash into his world, pinning him in position. Complete silence, except for the sound of the humming muted television. With all his inner strength he built up the courage to turn and face Jackie, her sorrowful eyes begun to let those tears flow down her beautiful face again. This face, staring back at him that he had fell in love with all those years and dreams ago, her bright, long wavy blonde hair was framing her face and those freckles sparkling with each passing tear. Jackie’s vibrant green eyes now glazed and bloodshot. David’s knotted gut told him already that it couldn’t be any kind of good news, the type of news they both so desperately needed it to be. David, fully aware of his ways how he always let work consume him, this time he had taken it all too far, and for what? Another suited meeting? Time seemed to freeze as he stood facing Jackie and looking into those eyes, his body paralyzed to the spot.  

“I am so sorry, sincerely I am, I know it’s what I always say, and I know you are going to always remember this, but I am this time, I can change Jackie, I will change. Forgive me, please.”

Jackie bluntly cut him off with a sharp sarcastic tongue. “Terminal David, TERMINAL.” She paused watching his face and thoughts absorb that evil word, Jackie’s voice shouting at him now through her emotions choking on her own words, sobbing freely.

“4 MONTHS DAVID, AT THE MOST. NO MORE CHRISTMAS, BIRTHDAYS, NOTHING. WHY? I DON’T UNDERSTAND?” Emotionally drained, Jackie uncrossed her arms letting them fall limp by her sides, standing before him looking helpless, broken and lost, the feelings were consuming her uncontrollably.

“I don’t know what to do DAVID, Why? Our baby, our sweet baby Sara, she’s going to die, gone! We will never see her again and I….”

Jackie couldn’t continue, she used the same sleeve again, choking back those deep, deep gut sobs. David stood motionless, his stern facade cracked with each piece of him falling, to reveal the raw turmoil eating away at his core. Jackie had only seen him cry a few times before, but she saw in his eyes, he meant every tiny fragment of emotion that fell with all the individual tears today. David put his arms out to Jackie, and she collapsed into them letting her feel his embrace, he rhythmically swayed, holding her as tightly as he could. What neither of them heard was Sara coming back into the house, witness to her own fate, listening around the corner….

Sara took tiny slow steps as she entered the room and removed her best fluorescent, pink woolly hat, the one with the huge pom-pom on the top. Her bald head smooth with very pale ashen skin. She observed her Mum and Dad entwined in each other and both obviously so very upset. Sara glanced down at her white pumps with the Mickey Mouse print on them, scuffed black on the ends from having fun with her friends outside. She bit the inside of her cheek gently between her teeth and looked up, eyelids half closed. Gut instinct prevailed and deep within, she recognized she had been sicker than what her parents were telling her. This journey she had traveled, along the way, the other kids that she had seen, played with and enjoyed special moments. Well, she resembled them now, those friends on the children’s ward never came back.  Mummy always told her they had gone home to their families, that they were in a happier place now. Sara worked it all out for herself though, her little mind would work overtime while lying in bed at night, staring up at the luminous glowing stars stuck to her ceiling.

“Mummy? Daddy?”

Sara stood there, holding the pom-pom and twisting the tassels through her delicate teeny fingers. Her petite, gaunt face, now a shadow of the beautiful little girl she once was. Her chin tilted upwards, huge sunken eyes that still sparkled even after all her woes, exuded her love straight towards her parents, before her.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this.”